Things people dont talk about

Being a military wife there are things we go through that do not get discussed. Most will agree things are hard but not everyone tells you what to look forward to or what you might go through. We want to be viewed as strong, intelligent, and equal to our husbands because we go through as much as they do but in different ways. As much as I agree with this to a point we need to talk about things more openly. No this isn't about sex! Lol...
Having a newborn and your husband has been home from war less than 5 days. This issue ways heavily on me because I've been there and it was one of the hardest things we went through as a family. He came home the night of the 13 of june 2010 but it was at midnight so the 14th. That monday we saw family and then next morning tuesday the 15th I started having contractions and my water broke at 530pm. We arrived at Naval Hospital Camp Lejeune at 630pm. I delivered my daughter at 1238 am June 16th 2010. We went home on the 18th and it began. My husband was having nightmares, got lost and couldn't find his way home, and then the silence. He wouldn't talk to me, he had nothing to do with elizabeth unless he had too, and well he started drinking and was out of control.
He was home and happy but wanted to go back to war. You must be thinking how could he but it happens alot. My husband had the opportunity to come home early on advon in anticipation of me having elizabeth early due to complications. I did deliver her at 36 and a half weeks and he made it just in time. She had waited for her dad to come home and to my surprise he didn't know how to be a dad or my husband when  he returned. It was all to real and overwhelming he later told me. He had lost a lot of brothers over in afghanistan and he felt guilty for leaving early and didn't know how to deal with his feelings. I did not understand why he seemed like he didn't love me or elizabeth but I did know I couldnt deal with his problems, a newborn, and my crying all the time for no reason.
I now know I had PPD post pardum depression and I wasn't crazy for feeling like I wanted to jump off a cliff. Eric refused to wake up and help me at night, during day I would take a shower and he would let elizabeth scream until I got out of shower and tended to her, and he wouldn't look at me or even kiss me for quite a while. This was so frustrating for me because he would not tell me what was wrong. After an explosion from him one evening he left for the evening and returned to only leave again. I just knew he was leaving me and didn't know why. A few days later he came home and told me that he loved us but couldn't be what I needed him to be and he would eventually explain when he could. After a few months of him being in counseling he finally spoke.
He never wanted to hurt us but he was struggling to deal with afghanistan and the loss of his buddies. He didn't know how to be back in civilian life after going with no shower for 6 months and living like somewhat of an animal as he compared it to. He had never held a baby until elizabeth, he was scared he would drop and break her, and he felt REJECTED! Wow yes REJECTED. He was not around for my pregnancy and had not been involved or here. I was huge and different when he returned and it was a shock. Then 2 days later we were parents not just husband and wife anymore. He didn't know how to love me with her around. We were not alone and new parents; lost with no guide book on what to do with this little baby. I'll admit we were not ready to be parents but we were. I spent all my time feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and being a mom and he felt left out. I tried spending time with him but then she cried. It was back to mom duty and when done he was asleep. He would come home from work to a wife who hadn't gotten a chance to shower and had been puked on and looked like hell. I'd give her to him and get a shower and finish cooking dinner and he would do what he could but it was hopeless. It was christmas before we really started back trying to be married again.
We didn't know how to make time for each other and he needed to bond with his daughter but he wanted his wife more because I was familiar and had come first. I never knew it could possibly turned out the way things did when he came home from that first deployment. We still loved each other but it was hard. I loved being a mom and a wife but my husband was suffering. Elizabeth was 6 months old the first time I left her alone with him because he was scared of her; scared of not knowing what to do and how to be a dad. The marine corp tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. And he didn't know how to take care of her because there was no one to tell him what to do and make decisions for him. So I left her and told him a few things to do and hoped it would go okay. He needed a push and needed my trust. Obviously it all worked out but my point of this story is this stuff happens and its okay to discuss it. I wish someone could have warned me or given me a little insight that this stuff happens and its okay and will get better.
So to wives in military if you find yourself or someone you know silent, withdrawn, and overwhelmed with being a new mom and having a husband home from war. Tell her its ok and tell her its okay to talk about there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Just another day in paradise!

Life changing Day

If I was trying to win mom of the year; today I would have lost big time! During a routine trip to foodlion for groceries it became nothing of the ordinary. While checking out my daughter decided to hold my hand instead of sitting in cart like I had asked her to do. I told her you have to be still and hold my hand and she was angry with this request so she put her arms up to be held. Of  course I said no because im paying and trying to bag my own groceries due to slack employees who see me with a 2 year old and im 5 months pregnant and dont offer to help. So at this moment she reaches up my arm and digs her nails into my forearm and runs out of the automatic double doors into the small road passing by store heading for parking lot. I drop everything and go running after her. She ran out screaming "I hate you" and as any mom this hurts. As she hit the sidewalk before the road I saw the car... She continued to run and the car was still coming. The lady stopped with in an inch of hitting my daughter. My daughter saw me coming and decided to fall out in road and throw a fit while I'm panicked and crying.
   My heart stopped a few times I'm sure. I picked her up and the lady in car was too panicked and I explained to her through my tears what happened and she said "hunny I have three kids and this is just one of those things that happen; no worries". I thanked her and a foodlion employee brought my groceries to my truck and loaded them. He asked "mam do you need anything? ". This boggled me but I'm sure he didnt have children so I said no and thanks.
   I sat in my truck and cried. I had seen flashes of my daughters life as I saw the car heading straight for her and I felt thankful, scared, and furious all at the same time. She is sitting in her carseat and well needless to say the next event that happened she definitely did not like. Yes I spanked my daughter out of love. She knows better and has to learn from this as well as me too. I'm going to be that crazy parent with the child harness and leash. Being very pregnant I cannot move as quickly as I'd like to have. So now when I go with her to places without my husband which is very often I will have no worries in her running from me and getting away.
   I enjoy being a mother and with another baby on the way I have definitely learned a lot over the past 2 years,but I was not prepared for todays events.
    Just another day in paradise!